MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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