Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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