my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
