shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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