Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
