so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
