I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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