A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
