I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
