Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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