seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Green mimosas i think yes
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
