Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
