My friends, they love my intelligence
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
