I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
