I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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