Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
