Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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