if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
