I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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