The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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