every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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