foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
