Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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