If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
