No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
