I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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