I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
