i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
