we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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