I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
