only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
