Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
