i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
