Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
