Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
