I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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