Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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