now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
