sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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