Swine flu. Run for my life!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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