I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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