I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
