I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
