guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
