im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
