remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
