I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
