Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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