I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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