Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
