you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
