I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
