I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
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