Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
