she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
