My sheets look like a crime scene.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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