I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you inspire me to be a worse person
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
