I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
