A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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