Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
