Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
