I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
