I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
