..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
