That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
